I wanted to date you. I wanted to dance with you at weddings and drink with you on weekends and come home to you on weekdays. I wanted to fall asleep beneath your sheets at night and cook breakfast alongside you after waking up with our limbs entwined. I wanted to be your girlfriend. I wanted you to be my boyfriend.
I never wanted us to stop at almost. I never wanted you to wonder whether I was only leading you on. I never wanted you to think of me as the girl who flirted with you for months before deciding to walk away. I never wanted you to feel like it’s my fault we never became an official couple.
I hope you know how strong my feelings for you were. I liked you more than some boys that I actually dated. I liked you more than I ever admitted aloud.
Maybe you think that I treated everyone the same way I treated you, but that’s far from the reality. I opened up to you about aspects of my world I normally keep hidden. I flirted with you even though I’m normally shy around other people. You weren’t one of many boys. You were the boy.
You were the one I gossiped to my friends about every time we grabbed dinner on Friday night. You were the one I casually mentioned to my mother because I couldn’t shut up about you. You were the one I spent every car ride and shower thinking about.
I know we never became an official couple, but I really did like you. I liked talking to you. I liked touching you. I liked being around you. You made me feel comfortable, which is not something I’m used to saying. Around most people, I feel like I have to be somebody else. I’m always pretending. I didn’t have to do that with you. I could ramble on about whatever the hell was on my mind without worrying about you judging me. I could talk about anything.
I wanted to date you but you kept giving me more and more reasons to walk away. I wasn’t sure whether you wanted the same things as me. I was worried you were only interested in being friends. I was worried you would never feel the same way about me.
I didn’t think we would ever become an official couple and I wasn’t going to wait around forever for you to change your mind. I needed to live my life. I wasn’t going to keep chasing after you. I felt like I did that for long enough.
I walked away because our almost relationship lasted for too long. I figured that, if you liked me as much as I liked you, then we would have become a couple already. I figured that walking away would be best for both of us since we weren’t taking the leap and asking each other out.
I walked away, because at the time, I didn’t think you would mind.