Chasing Shadows

For me, life is a struggle.
It’s an impossible reality every single day.
I try to understand, try to unlock the secrets,
To unravel the mystery.
I search for meaning, for reasons behind it all,
But I keep on stumbling.
I keep on hitting brick walls.
It’s like going in circles, running after something, 
With no beginning at all.
But there must be a reason.

I can’t precisely describe the way I usually feel,
But I know I’m not happy,
Yet I’m not exactly sad either.
I don’t feel like I’m living,
But I don’t feel dead either.
I dread my existence,
However, I choose to continue going. 
It’s like I’m caught in a jumble of emotions,
Enveloped in emptiness and confusion.

I’ve learned
Unexpressed emotions never die.
They may be buried alive,
But later
They will come forth in uglier ways.
So perhaps,
After so many years of successful subjugation,
I’ve reached that point
Where all the suppression has broken loose.
It has all been unleashed,
Forced out in desperation,
Creating a storm of raging emotions.
And I am now left to deal 
With an endless stream
Of relentless agitation. 

By Judy Einhorn